Wednesday, 5 January 2011

De Profundis

The title of this post is from a prayer I learnt at school. It is translated as 'Out of the depths'.
That is where I have been ..in the depths.
I had toyed with the idea of doing a follow up to the post called 'Pumped' with one called 'Slumped' but to be truthful, at the time I didn't even want look at my screen, or read anything on it.

Now I am  recovered but I feel that to remain honest in my blog I must tell the story.

Since the end of November until about two weeks ago I was in a black hole. I have just read the wikipedia definition  of A Black Hole and it works perfectly as a metaphor .

Medication initially made me feel so ill I thought I would never return, but  thankfully is now replacing whatever is missing chemically and making me feel better, positive, optimistic. I have even made an appointment to be referred to have my cataract fixed.

From inside the black hole, as black holes do, I absorbed the care and love of my family, my husband who must be the most patient man on the planet. He brought me small amounts of food and kept me going when I could eat next to nothing. He did the Christmas shopping. Cleaned the house while I opted out. Walked me slowly in the snow to get me out. Protected and cared for me. My Mother, 83,  came and ironed for me(..not that I cared about creases,) while I lay on the sofa.

My friends phoned and visited and watched me doing nothing. Supported me.  Felt group and Embroidery group friends e mailed, wrote and sent me cheery news. Told me not to worry. Sat and knitted while I sat and did nothing.

Church friends visited, prayed for me, the priest was amazing. When I went to Christmas Eve mass I was welcomed back warmly, lovingly.

My wider very far apart friends  spread the word amongst themselves, my college friends of 40 years . They supported me with emails, texts and phone calls.

And of course, my blog friends. Helen and her delightful daughter Polly drove 60 miles to visit me at home and brought me encouraging gifts as well as their loving support.
I had  many e mails from individuals enquiring where I was
 When I spilled the beans, you would be amazed at the number of fellow sufferers there are out there in blogland.

And that is why I am writing this.
Not to be dramatic, or to gain sympathy, but to show that when you think everyone else's lives are perfect, its only part of the story.

I don't even know what brought 'it' on . Nothing in particular but a series of minor negatives triggered a state of mind I hope I don't have again.

I am so thankful for my ordinary life at the moment.

Now I await the return of my desire to sew.
I have none at all at the moment and that is a worry.

82 comments:

Monica said...

oh.

Big hug.

And glad you're feeling better.

hensteeth said...

Oh thank goodness for that. Best news I have heard in a very long time.
One step at a time my friend...sewing will return and very soon.
Reading how your family and friends encased you in love and devotion is so very good to read...take care of yourself now Jackie...all my love. x

Daisie said...

These holes are everywhere, bloody things, so many people I know fall down them quite frequently (as do I), I wrote about it a while ago. Most people can get back out with time and love and I'm sure you're not the exception. Sending you love xxx

Allabitrandom said...

Oh dear. I am sorry to hear that you have not been well, but glad that you are perking up a bit. All the very best for 2011.

Libertybelle said...

So sorry you have been unwell. I wish you all the best for 2011 and hope that you will soon recover fully.

jennyflower said...

Sending love- it sounds like that is the best medicine. (You are right, I had assumed all was well, that you were partying and being fabulous- I always assume that everyone is O.K and I am not. It is, as Daisy says, a more common affliction than I think is widely talked of. xxxx

Wipso said...

Oh bless you. I've had the T shirt and don't plan to go back there ever again. So glad you've climbed the sides of that deep dark well [thats how I saw where I was]. The fresh air at the top is wonderful isn't it? May your mojo return very soon and you can really start to enjoy being creative again.
Hugs,
A x

Jill said...

One small stitch at a time you are mending.
Very best wishes

Twiglet said...

So glad you are feeling much better Jackie. - we have missed you. Take care - hugs, Jo

ju-north said...

So pleased you're back in blogland - wondered where you were. Take it easy - small steps. xx

Jane said...

So sorry to hear you have struggling. It sounds like it is a passing thing and you will be back to your old self soon. My husband and daughter struggle with chronic depression. That never goes away completely... I have bouts too, but normal is wonderful. Soon you will be sitting there, and all of a sudden your fingers will start itching for a needle, or your heart for some color. Hang on until that day gets there.
Jane

fibrefrolics said...

Sending big hugs and glad you are feeling a bit better. Stitch by stitch and hopefully everything will look rosier again.Hope 2011 brings joy and happiness. Take care,
Penny

Ursula said...

Glad to hear you are on your way out of the hole again! Just take the time you need, do anything you love (or nothing, if it helps) and wait for the itching in your fingertips. It will come back soon, I'm sure. Fabric and color is who you are, isn't it?

Jan said...

I'm very sorry for what you have been going through. I had no idea. Goes to show that even someone who you would expect would have nothing to be depressed about can become dangerously so. I am glad things are beginning to look up again. Glad you have such wonderful angels looking out for you. Take care.

Melanie said...

hang in there. I promise time helps. do something completely UNrelated to sewing when you feel like it and the sewing will return later too. please take care
melanie x

Kitsch and Curious Elaine said...

At the risk of sounding flippant, been there, done that, got the T-shirt! I think my point is to reassure you that it's not as serious as it feels at the time, and it is an surprisingly common experience. You WILL get better, and you WILL want to sew again. It's not always easy, but it sounds like you're on the right path. Take care of yourself, and I hope things continue to improve.

Patty Biermans said...

I'm glad that you are feelin so much better! Big hugzzz from Peebee. And about your desire to sew.... thinking about sewing is enough at first. Lots of love from me.

Emma said...

De profundis clamavi ad te Domini or something! That was a line in The Seventh Seal when I was 17!

The dog lurks, mine is greyish & I try to color it in occasinally. Your mojo will come back, tempus fugit & all that! Try something completely different while you're 'resting' (a survival technique?)just for the theraputic value. Lovely to have such friends & family.

Heather said...

Oh Jackie - what a wretched time you have had. It's good to know you are on your way up again, and don't worry - you will want to sew again - just take one day at a time. Glad you have such a good support team. Take care, keep warm and chin up.

marigold jam said...

So sorry to hear you have been so poorly and do hope that you will soon be back to your usual bright self. I don't think anybody else's life is perfect and if we were totally honest I dare say that many of us have been in a black hole at one time or another without knowing why. Take things gently and accept the wonderful support network you seem to be lucky enough to have and all will be well in its own time. Your creative spirit will return I know. I have a lovely card which says - Be gentle with all things but most especially yourself - it's probably what you need to do just now.

Jane x

LOVE STITCHING RED said...

Bless your heart hun xx
The sewing will return with enthusiasm one step at a time ... just you wait and see :o)
xx

Jude said...

Take it easy, slowly, slowly as they say over here...We're all thinking of you and hoping you get that twinkle back in your Harris Tweed very soon.
Take care
xx

Tina Eudora said...

You are not alone Jackie, I have had a very bad few years now and agonized over how to regain the person I used to be. Although I had been previously diagnosed with a number of things I recently came across a description of ADD that struck a chord. So I finally made an appointment today to see a doctor about it. Let me know how you are doing, I will be praying for you and the return of your creative energy! Thank you so much for sharing Jackie.
Tina xo

Gina said...

You are getting better Jackie and that is the important thing. Your desire to sew will come back in its own good time. It is good that you can write about this as I think too many people suffer with this awful illness and feel they are alone. It is all too easy to believe everyone else leads a charmed life - especially through the medium of blogs. I'm happy to hear you've been surrounded with so much love and support. hugs x

Carol said...

Take your time and don't worry about just sitting, I have been there hun, after my littly quite badly. Love and hugs and major kisses. if you want a moan you know where I am :)

Deb said...

open arms, big smiles
welcome back. You've been missed.

Silke Scheller said...

Dear Jackie,
we don`t know each other, but I read your blog since a while and I really love the things, you do. So it really touched me, what you wrote. I wish you all the best and a great 2011. Keep the black holes away from you! And let us share more of those lovely velvet-stuff you create.
I hope my words may comfort you a bit,
Silke

Rosie said...

Much love from another one - there's a lot of us about. Perhaps its the price we pay for being open and sensitive? Be nice to yourself until it passes, and I hope that will be soon.

Aileen Clarke Crafts said...

It'll come Jackie. The desire to sew again. What about some new supplies! As you know I did hardly anything creative during December and I am finding it really hard to get back into it. I had time on my hands the other evening and just sat staring into space not knowing where to begin! It's not as if I don't have anything to work on, I just couldn't make a start. Then I bought three daisy shaped cookie cutters from TK Max of all places and I got all excited about using them as templates for needle felting. The results are not great but at least I made something : )
It WILL come : ) xx

Locket Pocket said...

It sounds like you have the most marvellous network of friends and family and they are what we really need at times like these. I have just blogged about my struggle with depression and the support from lovely blog friends has been amazing.

I think I'm still a bit further down that hole but I'm gradually getting nearer the surface.

Lucy xx

The Coffee Lady said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. I was a bit concerned at the tone of a couple of your emails before Christmas, but just thought well, who knows anyone properly via email?

That husband of yours sounds like the business.

Els said...

Oooh my dear Jackie so sorry to hear about your Black Hole !
I'm not living in blog-land for very long yet, but I already have seen many of us bloggers breaking down. I know: it is said we women are very good at multi-tasking...
But I think .... sometimes ... some of us are "tasking" a bit too much .... and than it often only needs a tiny push from someone / where : and we are falling over.
Sometimes softly, but sometimes(like you) quite hard !
You might see it as a warning, just like someone who suddenly becomes very ill (which in fact ofcourse is this ...)
(I know, I've been there too)
So take your time, you really need it!
The felt, the velvet, the tweeds ... it all will be patiently waiting for you, no matter how long you want to take your time !!
Slowly, slowly, easy does it!
Take care Jackie.

Julie said...

Don't worry Jackie, you just need time and gentle days until your creativity returns. I'm glad you're feeling better and that you've had lots of good support. Sounds like your husband and mine came from the same mould ;-) Keep taking things slowly and don't push anything. All in good time, as they say. xx

stitchinglife2 said...

So that's where you were... I missed you. I fell into a similar black hole myself many years ago. I know nothing anyone says makes any difference, but really everything will all be just fine, including the desire to stitch. Sending you good thoughts and a hug.
[I mistyped that last word as jug, which made me laugh a bit]

JP said...

just soooooooooooo know about that black hole when the light is just a pinprick - it does get better - keep taking the tablets!

sea-blue-sky & abstracts said...

So glad that you're coming out of your black hole Jackie and that life if warm and comfortable again - the desire to sew will return, of that you can be sure. Best wishes for a happy and rewarding 2011, Lesley. x

Lyn said...

Jackie, we missed you.
hope your sewing mojo comes back soon but take it one step at a time
love
Lyn
xxx

Kim said...

Thank you for posting this. Ive only had the courage to say the D word in the past 3 years. Quite open about it now and it helps me to be more objective when others are able to discuss it. All of us have some depression at some time in our lives but not every one can 1. identify it in them selves 2. use saying how they feel as a tool for change 3. know where or how to get assistance - well thats what I have found... You are very brave!

Textile Art Showcase said...

My goodness Jackie I never realised that you weren't well but I was beginning to wonder what had happened to your blogging. I do hope that you feel much better very soon and can not begin to imagine how you have been feeling. One step at a time and I am sure that you will be back to your old self again soon. Fingers crossed. x

Ro Bruhn said...

So sorry to hear of your dilemma Jackie. I hope things get back to 'normal' quickly. Maybe take up a totally new art form, the challenge might help to bring back your mojo. Thinking of you.

alice c said...

I am so very, very sorry to hear your news but grateful that you have found a way out of your personal valley. I think that you are very courageous to write about it but I am quite sure that your honesty will help others to understand and accept their own depression. It is an illness that can strike without warning just like acute appendicitis of the mind but because there are no outward signs it is hard to communicate the pain that you are feeling. I am so glad that you were safely bubble-wrapped with love - it is the best remedy.
Alicex

Menopausal musing said...

So very, very glad you have made it back (and I don't just mean to blogging!) and that you have had so much support from family and friends.

Sheep Rustler said...

I had missed your lovely blog posts but do not feel that I 'know' you well enough yet to ask after you. I am very sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is surprising that whenever someone admits to suffering depression that it turns out that so many creative and interesting people suffer from it too. I personally would never get out of bed if it were not for little white tablets.

I hope things continue to look up and out of that black hole. It is a perfect definition.

Hugs

Sharne's Bit 'n' Bobs said...

Glad that you are feeling better. Everyone gets to where you have been at some time in their life. Your mojo will come back, just be patient.

Chris said...

I've been wondering about you. I wish you brighter days and a new muse to lift you up.

Magpie's Mumblings said...

Oh Jackie, I'm SO familiar with that awful black hole (like so many others have said in the comments). I'm living proof that there IS a light out there and that that awful hole of nothingness doesn't last forever. If you want to email me I'm happy to share more with you. Please do what the doctors say (but also be aware that sometimes meds have to be altered until you get the best fit). Big hugs!!

Carol said...

HI Jackie
When I first posted about mental illnesses being a hereditary thing in my family, I was amazed at the support I got and the number of people have the same experience. I was totally caught off guard when my neice sent an email to relate that she suffers too and didn't know we did.

This was my first year ever of suffering during the holidays. I know exactly what set it off...grumbling about putting up decorations. From there I plummeted. I was blindsided and nothing could help. It was stronger than my meds.

Such an amazing thing that right after the holidays I shot out of the hole like someone strapped me to a firework.

I'm back and planning a project and really feel good. I hope that by the time you read this, you can say the same.

Victoria said...

Dear Jackie, Bless you for your openness. I've been in the black hole myself... and fight it's pull frequently. Despite their love, it is not something that my family understands, and the feeling of isolation, and separateness can be very overwhelming. How lovely to know that you are so loved and cared for... all the wonderful support of your friends and your family.

Be gentle, patent and kind with yourself as you make your way back into the sun. Don't fret about the lack of desire to sew... it will come back. Now may be a good time to explore something completely new, and non-fiber related. Something just for enjoyment. Sending you love, hugs and good wishes. xo

jeanette, mistress of longears said...

So happy to hear you've conquered it!

Mary Welsh Hubbard said...

I'm glad you are starting to feel better. I've been thinking about you. Don't rush the sewing - it will come back when you are truly ready. Don't put pressure on yourself. One day at a time Jackie. One day at a time.

Jane Teague said...

Please pick up the most beautiful little morsel of fabric you can easily find and just hold onto it. Your magic will resurface in good time, you'll find a needle and thread, and your beauty will show in your work. Sending good thoughts your way!

Andi's English Attic said...

A big cyber hug to you.
I've been there. I know what hell it is. Believe it or not, blogland helped me out. I discovered and read all the creative beauty that was going on and it really helped me reach for the positive. It's strange how much warmth and friendship I can feel just from reading blogs.
I hope you're fully recovered soon and creating once more. (hug) xx

Rachel said...

Hang in there and you will continue to climb out of the hole. Believe me: I've been there too!

purplesusie said...

Dear Jackie
I am so pleased the black dog has gone away, take gentle steps forward and know lots of folk are there with support and love,

lots of love and hugs to you xxx

Sue x

Robin Mac said...

Welcome back to blogland jackie, we have missed you. I am so glad to read you are recovering now. Hang in there and take one day at a time, I am sure you will be back stitching again very soon. Lots of love and hugs, Robin

Diane said...

Oh, what a blessing to have all of those caring people in your life just when you needed them the most. The love and support of family and friends is the best medicine. The Good Lord had you in His sight.
God bless you!
Diane

Kitty said...

A day at a time, lovely Jackie. That's all we can do. It's such a shock, isn't it, when one lands in a black hole, and finds oneself unable to 'do' anything at all. I am sending big cyber ((((hugs)))) and hoping you continue to feel better with time and the care you have had. Be kind to yourself. xxx

Christine said...

Like so many others, I too have been where you have been, and know what an effort it takes to get back to the surface. Well done and welcome back above ground - your fans have missed you!

lilylovekin said...

How awful to feel so bleak and hopeless, I'm glad you have such loving friends, family and support. It is an awful place to be-a black hole describes it well. Have faith that joy will return to your life. I've missed you Lorrie

Anonymous said...

I had simply assumed you were too busy to blog, and was eagerly awaiting your verdict on the 'estate agent' and her machine embroidery!
Like others I have been there too, and wish you well. Soon it will be time for the snowdrops, then the wild primroses will appear in the hedgerows. The days will grow longer and the sun may even put more of an appearance in. Keep going lass!

Sandie's Patch said...

Been there,re-visit briefly now and then, don't want to go as deep as early last year!
Glad you are back, sending creative vibes for you.

Sandie xx

Linda said...

Oh Jackie... I'm so sad to find out that you've not been well - but really relieved you're now on the mend.
I'm sorry I've not been over to visit you for a few weeks (but we've had a really difficult Christmas too).
Thinking of you and sending ♥love♥ and big hugs.
Look after yourself.....
Linda xx

vintagerockchick said...

Like lots of others I thought you were busy sewing - poor you - I can't imagine what it feels like but the fact that you are able to write about it so honestly means that you know you are amongst friends.
Glad you are feeling better and hope you continue to improve. xxx

Caroline said...

Jackie, that sounds like a horrible place to have been, but glad to hear that you have climbed back out now. Wishing you all the very best and sending a hug from Malaysia!

WendyCarole said...

glad to hear you are feeling much better xx

soggibottom said...

I'm last again. :-)
Good to see you back Jackie :-) x x x

celadon2 said...

The need to sew will come back again, when you are ready.

I call these times my Black Dog days, or weeks.

It is a part of my life, and sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I just give in and I'm too tired to fight it. But I do get out of it and start again.

There are a lot of us about you are not alone.

Susan

Linda Sue Johnson said...

Hang in there, Girl! I totally understand. Over the last few years I have also had some health issues which culminated last year in surgery and subsequent chemo. I'm fine now, no cancer, and I'm returning to life.

I thought I had lost my love of quilting and was tired of it. In reality I was just tired...the body was just trying to stay alive.

You will be back to normal...just hang in there and give praise for wonderful friends and family.

Linda Johnson
@bj.lj@live.com

Rachel said...

Depression is so common but when you're the victim you cannot think objectively, if you think at all, it seems you're the only one and all you want to do is disappear under the skirting board. That's my experience, everyone's is different. But the one thing to remember is that It - Does - Pass. You have good family and friends, that helps.

Boxoftrix said...

You are right, you are not alone and we all have such times in our lives when we think we will never be creative again but Your inspiration and desire to sew will return Jackie you are such a creative spirit and I love to see each beautiful piece you make take care and how nice that you have so many loving arms around you x

Anne B said...

Just emerged from the darkness myself - didn't see it coming. I see nothing wrong with a bit of chemical help - take stuff myself and it keeps me functioning pretty well. Be kind to yourself.

Jacky said...

Jackie, so sad to hear of your dark period, but happy that you are on the road back.
Sending you love and a gently hug.

Jacky xox

Asht said...

I just find your blog and I love it. Your work is wonderfull. If you are agree, can I present it on mine in "a sunday a blog". Thanks, nice to meet you

Thimble Fingers said...

How totally honest and open you have been, which is one of the biggest steps to recovery. Yes, there are more of us out there than you realise. I think many creative people have this tendency, and life goes in swings and roundabouts.
Although we miss your beautiful creations, we miss you more and you are number 1, not your work, so take time to heal and start with baby steps. There will be light at the end of the tunnel.
You have a wonderful and very extended support group around you.
Take care.

kay susan said...

Oh! I thought you were having a holiday! So sorry to know you've been suffering. Glad that you are back. XXXXX

maggi said...

I am so glad that you are making progress. The urge to sew will return but you can't force it. It takes longer than you think.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

I am so very sorry to read that you've been feeling low. Happens to us all sometimes, I think. I will have you in my thoughts and remember, Spring is coming.

Pam said...

There are already so many comments - some of them as moving as your original post - so I'm not too sure of the reason for me leaving one too. Probably so that I can show support; and also to say well done you for your honesty.
The words brought back a shadow of a time when I felt that way. Made me pleased to have come through it. Take care of yourself.

ArtPropelled said...

So glad you are feeling better Jackie.

Sarah Anderson said...

Nasty those black holes I know, but friends, faith and a great husband and family mean so much more at these times..so glad you had them. Your sewing desires will return, :)

Gwenda said...

Big hug Jackie for your wonderful honesty and sharing.
I have come out of a grey hole I think-at last beginning to deal with the unfinished stuff of my late fathers. (Beginning-not anywhere near finished!)
And the darling gorgeous Harris Tweed coat you made for the late little Blodwen is sitting quietly in a special place waiting for new usage. I am going to look at a dachsi black and tan pup on Thursday and feel right about this. At last!
So thankyou Jackie for being you-inspiring self-deprecating blogger and brilliant talented loving textile artist that you are.
XX Gwenda

Jan from Wyoming said...

I too suffer from this "black hole" and I am glad that you are on your way to good health again. I found your blog on the in stitches blog tour, and I think your artwork is beautiful. I love the felted, stitched pieces you have been working on while you wait for your full creativity to return. Medications are a blessing, but it does take awhile to figure out which ones work and which ones don't, and it can certainly be frustrating to go through the process of discovery. (I once was on an antidepressant that made me horribly ill, but there was an upside to taking it because I lost about 20 pounds!)

I too hope you never find yourself "in the depths" again. Although I seldom manage to pull myself all of the way out (I have had issues with this all of my life), many people never experience another episode. I hope that you are one of those people and I look forward to reading your blog in the future. Best wishes to you.

Jan from Wyoming



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